"How To Look Like A D*ck Teacher"

TEACHERS! Tired of being pushed around by those pubescent brats you call your students? Growing weary of having to smile in the face of those adolescent demons as they walk into your classroom? Do you ever stop and consider the pros and cons of punching one of those impudent, disruptive teenagers in the trachea? Well I'm here to save you from years of therapy.

Hi. My name is Lucky Souvannarath. I've been in the teaching industry for three whole semesters, and I've got the solution to all of your classroom management dilemmas with my revolutionary DVD set: "How To Look Like A D*ck Teacher."

All the theoretical knowledge and mentorships you've acquired up to this point have excluded one key factor towards becoming a truly exceptional teacher--the ability to instill the fear of God in your students. As a successful educator, you don't need to be a cold-hearted dictator. You just have to look like one!

With three easy payments of $39.99, I can physically transform you into the Kanye West of the teaching industry. Students will avert their eyes due to your intimidating presence. Incessant talking will cease from a single, darting glare. Sip from your mug of morning coffee with peace of mind, because your students may just crap their pants from your dirty looks. Money well spent if you ask me.

Included in my DVDs are personalized lessons for developing your very own terrifying teaching facade. To all the beautiful female educators out there, I will coach you on how to perfect the resting b*tch face. You know what I'm talking about; that blank expression hidden with utter disdain and hatred for all living creatures surrounding you. Some of us aren't blessed with this naturally hostile expression, but I can help you whip your students into shape with your very own condescending demeanor. You'll put the Queen of England's scowl to shame after I'm done with you.

And I can't forget about all my fellow male teachers out there. My DVD set will help you master the "blue suede steel" - a patented facial expression infused with both absolute malice and high levels of masculinity. Part of mastering this look requires you to constantly clench your jaw because a highly defined jaw line promotes dominance, making you the alpha male. Though you may suffer from dental distress within a few years, your students will sweat and cower in fear from the sight of your jaw line. Jaw line! JAW LINE!

If you call within the next ten minutes, you'll receive the bonus DVD: "How To Dress Like A D*ck Teacher." Burn those Old Navy mom jeans and slip on a fitted black viscose dress designed by Gucci. Nothing says, "Don't mess with me today" like night-time eye shadow and ridiculously overpriced high fashion couture.

Order now and you'll receive this entire DVD set for only three easy payments of $59.99. That's right. I just bumped up the price, because you were too stupid to not order it a couple minutes ago. Don't you care about the well being of your students? So chin up, brows furrowed, mean face on! Order today!


"I'll speak for myself, but there's alot of humor to be found in sarcasm and darkness. You talk to any paramedic, they survive by developing an off-kilter sense of humor."
- Nicholas Cage

Giving Thanks

Please allow me to take a deep breath and exhale slowly to release all tension developed from the heavy amount of stress endured from the start of my venture as a teaching novice to becoming a legitimate student teacher. I find myself letting out a slight chuckle whenever I reminisce about those caffeine-infused, sleepless nights I've withstood due to those dreaded FERs (Field Experience Research). My heart used to write uncontrollably at the mere thought of teaching a ten minute lesson, but now I've developed a sense of comfort and satisfaction standing in the front of a classroom. From the rambunctious little six graders to the swagged out high school juniors, I've always responded with a smile across my face and my tie cinched in a tight Windsor knot.

In accordance with the holidays, I consider it fitting to be thankful for all the individuals who've supported my progress as a future educator. From my warm and devoted university supervisor to the wacky classmates I've come to call my family, I cannot express my endless amount of gratitude in helping me to discover my teaching potential. Yet, I feel that there are some people I'm disregarding.

My students.

In the past, I've scanned hundreds of pages encompassing theoretical teaching knowledge while constructing plenty of essays in reference to adolescent literacy. Though I value all the textbook knowledge obtained in this past year, actually being in the classroom and establishing a rapport with the many students I've encountered has elevated me to the educator I am today. They've taught me how to deliver lessons in ways that are both meaningful and relevant to their personal needs. I've observed them and gained insight on the benefits of being both compassionate and patient. I know that I've done something right the day I received piles of hand-written thank you cards upon leaving for another placement. So for Thanksgiving, what can I do that provides more than a little sugar rush for my current 8th Grade Language Arts students?

Well, I've decided to thank each and every one of them with personalized, hand-written notes. I've grown quite attached to these particular students and I value what each one has offered to me in my professional development. Each of these notes will include my appreciation of their hard work in the classroom, but also gratitude in allowing me to establish those personal connections. Whether they've demonstrated critical thinking skills during my lessons or have simply made me laugh on a bad day, I want each of them to know how much they've impacted me. I've heard that a good teacher can make the biggest difference in a student, but I wouldn't be the educator I am now without those amazing students.

Forget what I said about the sugar rush; I'm still giving them candy with those notes. CANDY!


"What is wonderful about great literature is that it transforms the man who reads it towards the condition of the man who wrote it."
-E.M. Forster

No Regrets

As the chilling air of October 29th diffused across the town, I laid in my bed with the comforting warmth of my blankets and sheets. Though I was on the verge of sound slumber, I couldn't help but feel miffed with the events to arrive when the light of dawn eventually penetrates my bedroom windows. It's what I've been dreading for weeks now, and I am mere hours away from the clutches of redundant PowerPoint presentations and repeated theoretical knowledge. I winced and cringed as I mustered up the strength to embrace the undeniable circumstances to come; I have to attend the Kansas Association of Teachers of English, or KATE, Conference.

With my apprehensive and stern nature already established for the day, I walked into the building with my tie knotted just right while donning my favorite blazer to provide a look of professionalism. It was to hide my indifference for the day to come, but by golly, I feel absolutely silly for my severely arbitrary misconceptions on that Thursday morning. Whether they were professional speakers or newly hired educators, I was surrounded by so many people who were just as enthused as I about the field of teaching.

The KATE Conference was an amazing experience in which I was able to gain so much information and insight from. I've become so accustomed to the continuity of my college classrooms and middle school placement that I've disregarded the value of attaining expert advice from real, experienced figures in the teaching profession. I appreciate how well the conference catered to the guests by making every moment relevant and informative. The first session featured Dr. Howard Pitler, who introduced his audience to the day with his enlightening presentation. The "Three Imperatives of Teaching" was an element he continually referred back to throughout his presentation. It describes how we, as teachers, need to be demanding (1), but supportive (2) while ensuring that our teachings remain intentional (3). As simple as it sounds, I've been attempting to balance those three traits for quite some time. Yet, I am still remaining persistent in the matter due to Pitler's advice to us all; Form a commitment to use these conference ideas to change your classroom experiences. If you do not take the initiative to make some type of change within the next two weeks, you won't experience much change in the future either." 

The various workshops I attended were quite engaging and supportive, due to the well-informed facilitators and experienced teachers surrounding me with high interests in sharing their advice. I gathered information on how to apply crafts and projects into Language Arts, how to activate a student's "writing voice", and approached unconventional ways of teaching Shakespeare. Yet, my favorite workshop revolved around the conjunction of musical lyrics and critical writing. During my year of observations at my previous placements, I used music as a theme to encourage students to write. This workshop expanded on my interests in the subject matter, I felt that I gained a great deal of insight for future teachings. For instance, we discussed how universal themes are important in developing strong writers. Though a student may not necessarily agree with this particular theme, it is imperative that they accept it as a prevalent concept. Gradually increasing the difficulty in identifying universal themes in songs is a great way to set up bellwork while engaging the students in writing.

I could see it now. As I walk into a classroom of rambunctious students, they go silent as they hear "Taylor Swift - Mean" playing in the background. Voices go off, pencils grind against notebook papers, and students critically analyzing the detrimental effects of bullying.

The day's teachings resonated within me, and any reluctance I had previously in attending the conference had far diminished before Pitler could finish his presentation. As I took notes over technology in the classroom and Socratic seminars, I appreciated my presence there and remembered to remain thankful for opportunities granted for my future benefit.