Identity Crisis

As my students progress onward from the tender coddling environment of middle school to the intimidating atmosphere of young adulthood in high school, I've noticed that each still struggle to find a solidified concept of their own personal identity. It's a great deal of pressure for any fourteen-year-old child to experience on their own. To help them cope with the battle for individuality and self-acceptance, I put my best effort into cultivating their understanding of the subject with my current unit over identity. The students have gone through the process of reading short stories pertaining to the topic, written formal essays involving the unit's essential questions, and have also been a part of creative projects to illustrate who they are mentally and physically. As each student grew to understand their individual quirks and unique attributes, I slowly began to realize that... well, I don't understand who I am. At least when it comes to teaching.

So am I that nice teacher that revolutionizes the teaching industry through compassionate means and occasional fruit roll-ups for good behavior? Or am I that one with the blood-red eyes, leather whip in hand ready to crack open the face of the next student acting up in class? What if I end up being the teacher who shows up hung over from a night of binge drinking, burnt out and regretting ever stepping foot in a classroom? WHO AM I GOING TO END UP BEING?!

There are so many facets to consider in developing my teaching identity and the construction of my individualism expands far beyond my future classroom policies and management skills. I decided to take matters into my own hands and observe other educators in my placement school to broaden my horizons for one week. I thought of it as my own professional development, where I took notes over each teacher's mannerisms, tone, level of tolerance, and overall confidence in the classroom.

Teacher A had the most ideal teaching persona I could ever hope to imitate in the future. She had a very friendly disposition, while maintaining student engagement without ever having to raise her voice. Teacher A was even able to get a laugh out of the students with a few silly comments, but was able to immediately refocus their attention back to their work. Though a classroom environment can never truly be considered "perfect", Teacher A challenged that myth with her amazing teaching personality and consistent management skills.

The best term to describe Teacher B is 'maternal.' She had a very candid, stern, and slightly sarcastic personality displayed in her teaching style. I imagined all of her students as her very own children. She spoke to them in a strong, direct manner with a minor hint of, "Hey you; I saw that. Pick that up off the floor now." It was easy to see that Teacher B would have absolutely no problem sending a student out of the room for misbehavior, but she balances her strict approach wit ha humorously mother-like mentality.

I saw a great deal of myself in Teacher C. Whether it was his age or the fact that he was a first-year teacher, there were many similarities between the two of us in our own classrooms. He seems to have a very calm temperament and refrains from having to shout over students. His compassionate nature seems to put the students at ease, but they seemed too comfortable. His propensity to remain civil allowed the class to get out of control at certain points and their work ethic slowly declined as class time went on. I guess this was a sign that even first-year teachers struggle to stand firmly at the front of the classroom.

I've been so consumed with lesson planning, my Kansas Performance and Teaching Portfolio, the PRAXIS exam, and all other stressors associated with the final semester that I haven't truly been able to specifically identify who I am in the classroom. I wonder if I will be able to successfully maintain my calm, care-free disposition as a teacher. Then it troubles me to foresee the possibility of blowing out my vocal nodules from consistently yelling at my students. One thing I can clearly say at this moment is that I am slowly, but surely becoming more comfortable in front of the seventy-six students I see each day, every week. My teaching identity may not be clear at the moment, but it's slowly coming together piece by piece. I just have to be patient and open to personal development and new experiences.