Hi. My name is Lucky Souvannarath. I've been in the teaching industry for three whole semesters, and I've got the solution to all of your classroom management dilemmas with my revolutionary DVD set: "How To Look Like A D*ck Teacher."
All the theoretical knowledge and mentorships you've acquired up to this point have excluded one key factor towards becoming a truly exceptional teacher--the ability to instill the fear of God in your students. As a successful educator, you don't need to be a cold-hearted dictator. You just have to look like one!
With three easy payments of $39.99, I can physically transform you into the Kanye West of the teaching industry. Students will avert their eyes due to your intimidating presence. Incessant talking will cease from a single, darting glare. Sip from your mug of morning coffee with peace of mind, because your students may just crap their pants from your dirty looks. Money well spent if you ask me.
Included in my DVDs are personalized lessons for developing your very own terrifying teaching facade. To all the beautiful female educators out there, I will coach you on how to perfect the resting b*tch face. You know what I'm talking about; that blank expression hidden with utter disdain and hatred for all living creatures surrounding you. Some of us aren't blessed with this naturally hostile expression, but I can help you whip your students into shape with your very own condescending demeanor. You'll put the Queen of England's scowl to shame after I'm done with you.
And I can't forget about all my fellow male teachers out there. My DVD set will help you master the "blue suede steel" - a patented facial expression infused with both absolute malice and high levels of masculinity. Part of mastering this look requires you to constantly clench your jaw because a highly defined jaw line promotes dominance, making you the alpha male. Though you may suffer from dental distress within a few years, your students will sweat and cower in fear from the sight of your jaw line. Jaw line! JAW LINE!
If you call within the next ten minutes, you'll receive the bonus DVD: "How To Dress Like A D*ck Teacher." Burn those Old Navy mom jeans and slip on a fitted black viscose dress designed by Gucci. Nothing says, "Don't mess with me today" like night-time eye shadow and ridiculously overpriced high fashion couture.
Order now and you'll receive this entire DVD set for only three easy payments of $59.99. That's right. I just bumped up the price, because you were too stupid to not order it a couple minutes ago. Don't you care about the well being of your students? So chin up, brows furrowed, mean face on! Order today!
"I'll speak for myself, but there's alot of humor to be found in sarcasm and darkness. You talk to any paramedic, they survive by developing an off-kilter sense of humor."
- Nicholas Cage
